One Year (Plus) Later… Again…

So the last post I published was very heavy, both in terms of content and emotional aftermath. I took a very long break from blogging because I was raw (emotionally), burnt out, and needing to sit with my thoughts and try to assess.

This may or may not be me restarting this blog but here’s to trying!

I’m currently in a bit of a nihilistic existential crisis (wow doesn’t the word ‘crisis’ make it sound so dramatic?! I just can’t think of another word)!

I’d been trying, with varying degrees of success, to hold it together until I got out of temporary accommodation which, instead of being three months, ended up being 15!

That being said I’m now in my new place and will not be moving again unless I find financial stability and get a mortgage or until the dog and slamming doors downstairs drives me over the edge (odds TBD)!

I guess part of me thought that once I was in this more settled place everything would be sunshine and unicorns and the last few years would be but a dream! This was clearly a delusion, but one I needed to cope. The reality has left much to be desired!

Now that I’m settling in I’ve found myself in a state where I don’t really know who I am anymore. Many things about myself that I believed to be true don’t seem to feel authentic anymore and I’ve lost my sense of identity.

While my libido seems to be reawakening I’ve found myself to have no interest in seeking a partner or partners as my trust in people (especially men) is pretty much nonexistent. Pre pandemic I had been in a place of joyful exploration and freedom.

My compassion and empathy levels have greatly reduced with me really only having the energy for very close friends and family and sometimes myself.

I feel tired and jaded and spent and pointless and hopeless and anhedonic… which isn’t exactly an amazing place to be considering I’ll be starting up again with the Open University after summer in my last chance to use my transferred credits to complete my degree without having to start over (again)!

This nihilistic feeling is nothing new and in fact was the reason I tried so many new things during the pandemic… that state of having energy resources and erring towards chaos in a ‘nothing to lose’ type of way. Erring towards chaos isn’t a new trait, but actively doing things that could fail utterly (blogging, streaming, art, anything but consuming media and gaming, really).

I don’t know whether this nihilistic (again I say nihilistic, I really can’t think of another word to describe it) state of mind is just part of who I am now or if it’s a temporary turning point towards absurdism and finding a new meaning, my own meaning, to my existence. Is it possible to know? Who knows?

As you may be able to tell by my language choice and if you know I’ve watched The Good Place far too many times I’ve been doing a bit of reading into philosophy. Partly emulating Eleanor, partly curiosity, and partly as a way to try to make sense of… well… anything right now!

If I were a member of any forums this post would probably belong there as it is equal parts a thought dump and to see if there are others out there in the meaningless void that feel the same way or have done and found a way out.

This disordered thinking, the struggle for a logical flow, meaning, and just general state of flux/confusion confirms that my break from blogging was and is needed, but why not publish if only to serve as a waypoint in whatever it is that I’m going through and maybe a way to show it’s ok to feel like this?

If you’ve made it this far I’m both impressed and sorry that you read through this train of thought ramble, this probably shouldn’t be published but I don’t want to have yet another draft post sitting to probably never be published!

Comment below with any thoughts, advice for my current situation or just to share your own stuff. Where else but at the end of a barely scrutable post to talk some nonsense of your own to join mine!! I will read all and respond to any request for a response or if the mood moves me!